Do ever have those days, or perhaps like me it happens everyday, where you find yourself in the tornado of a daydream. Where you continue to overanalyze something again and again, reinterpreting, rejustifying, redefining, so much that when you take a step back from the item in thought, you realize you've created an entire world around it?
Well, when something is bothering me, that is what I do- overanalyze. I must say the mind reels...endlessly until it starts back from where it started, only more contorted and disfigured. Like now for instance. My best friend and I are in a terrible fight. The worst fight in fact because there is no fighting at all- just silence. And while this is usually how our little tiffs go, I am the one who ends up caving in and apologizing for things I never in fact did, solely to rekindle the former light-hearted bond.
But not this time. I am strong well it comes to romance. I always see right through the man and am the constant go-to girl when my girlfriends find themselves in relationship rubble. I know when they are being used, and being played, but what I never thought to ponder was that those same circumstances could apply between friendships. And that is exactly what is happening in mine. I am being played by my best friend. Which only further leads me to question if she really is in fact a best friend. I mean surely someone you tag with such a title should uphold some code of honor or genuity, should she not?
It is this sad and rude awakening that has led me to not give in, but hold my ground and state my claim. However, if the one known for bringing the peace is steadfast in her convictions, will the peace ever come?
This I do not know. I would hope that after all I have put into our friendship and or past recoveries, she would atleast attempt a chance to talk. I of course must say that she has been a good friend as well...but when the friendship becomes solely about one person and their needs, the good friend qualities tend to die. And that is precisely what has happened. I loved our friendship, I must admit more than I love myself, but I also know that if I can ever respect myself or be respected at all, I must stand up for myself.
So that is what I'm doing. And the bashlash for that is silence. Which is oh-so convenient for my thoughts to reel endlessly until the tongue speaks. Until then I am trying to maintain my anger as much as possible.
xx
Chloe
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Beauty of Life
I've had an epiphany.
I don't even know if the new insight I've aquired can even be put into words.
Here is the simplest way I can explain it, and I need to try, because I cannot afford to forget what I've come to realized.
Basically, I've always lived for my future. In my small valley as I ventured from elementary school, to middle school, to high school, I dreamed about what I wanted to do and what I wanted to become. Now that I'm in college, I'm in my future. I'm living what I've been dreaming about.
This was hard because I had spent the previous years of my life only dreaming of what I'd do, and now that I was doing it, I couldn't really grasp it. I continued to work for things I thought I might want. I continued looking, because I hadn't gained that satisfaction I had hoped for.
I went home for fall break, and the genuity and familiarity of everything about colorado make it hard to go back. But I ignored it.
I met up with my best friend back and school and we both justed cried in realization that we hated where we were. But it was what we wanted. Why wasn't what we thought we wanted making us happy? It makes you question the concept of beauty. Its superficial. There is no depth. It is great to look at, but one cannot live simply on beauty. One needs substance.
My school is simply that: beautiful. People are gorgeous. But that's it. There is no substance. At least not in the aspect that I was looking for or expected to find. I felt I had no way out. However, I began to realize what I wanted, quickly learning that through experience one truly discovers who they are.
I can not know who I am going to be, where I think is right for me.
I am living my first day in the moment. I am not going to act based on what I think will make me happy. If it makes me happy NOW, I will do it. I used to strived for the beautiful. I got the beautiful, and that is all that it is. PRETTY. Superficiality is not a negative aspect. People just need to understand that surface beauty is simply surface. Beauty can often be used as a mask to cover the deciet and negativity of emptiness. That is why love cannot be about beauty and you cannot live meaningful life based soley on beauty.
Beauty, in its visual definition, is not always synonymous with truth, just like dreaming is not synonymous with reality.
Define beauty? COMPLEXITY. It makes things interesting. Look at the world. It is not simple.
Confidence is beauty. Confidence can only be obtained by the individual, which essentially would imply the notion that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You as an individual are responsible, not only for the beauty of self, but the beauty of the world.
Beauty is still everything I thought, but it goes beyond everything I know.
Irony is beautiful. Irony is a sign that you are in line with the universe. Here are my weekend quotes from Abraham:
"Start taking pleasure from your inner reality. Most people are approaching this backwards. Most people are saying, "Okay, I want that, and I am not fulfilled until I get that manifestation." The reason for that promise of manifestation out there, to begin with, is that it gives you the reason to play the game in the inner reality. It is your imagination, it is the feeling of Energy flowing through you that is life. "
"Offer a vibration that matches your desire rather than offering a vibration that keeps matching what-is. "
I guess in reflection, I misinterpreted beauty. I think beauty is the result of something truly fantastic and complex. It is not meant to define something, but rather a simplified expression of something too intricate to understand visually. Art is a prime example of that. However, it only leaves me with further questions. Looking outside my window at the snow covered mountains, I have to wonder beyond who and ask what provoked such beauty? I have come to find that experience gives us meaning and defines who we are. Life is beautiful through our every act and lesson. So is beauty an result of a meaningful life or is a meaningful life a result of beauty?
And yet I can't even ask those questions expecting a right or wrong answer because when it comes down to it, the meaning of life is the most ambiguous question a curious girl can ask!
LOVE LOVE,
CuriousChloe
I don't even know if the new insight I've aquired can even be put into words.
Here is the simplest way I can explain it, and I need to try, because I cannot afford to forget what I've come to realized.
Basically, I've always lived for my future. In my small valley as I ventured from elementary school, to middle school, to high school, I dreamed about what I wanted to do and what I wanted to become. Now that I'm in college, I'm in my future. I'm living what I've been dreaming about.
This was hard because I had spent the previous years of my life only dreaming of what I'd do, and now that I was doing it, I couldn't really grasp it. I continued to work for things I thought I might want. I continued looking, because I hadn't gained that satisfaction I had hoped for.
I went home for fall break, and the genuity and familiarity of everything about colorado make it hard to go back. But I ignored it.
I met up with my best friend back and school and we both justed cried in realization that we hated where we were. But it was what we wanted. Why wasn't what we thought we wanted making us happy? It makes you question the concept of beauty. Its superficial. There is no depth. It is great to look at, but one cannot live simply on beauty. One needs substance.
My school is simply that: beautiful. People are gorgeous. But that's it. There is no substance. At least not in the aspect that I was looking for or expected to find. I felt I had no way out. However, I began to realize what I wanted, quickly learning that through experience one truly discovers who they are.
I can not know who I am going to be, where I think is right for me.
I am living my first day in the moment. I am not going to act based on what I think will make me happy. If it makes me happy NOW, I will do it. I used to strived for the beautiful. I got the beautiful, and that is all that it is. PRETTY. Superficiality is not a negative aspect. People just need to understand that surface beauty is simply surface. Beauty can often be used as a mask to cover the deciet and negativity of emptiness. That is why love cannot be about beauty and you cannot live meaningful life based soley on beauty.
Beauty, in its visual definition, is not always synonymous with truth, just like dreaming is not synonymous with reality.
Define beauty? COMPLEXITY. It makes things interesting. Look at the world. It is not simple.
Confidence is beauty. Confidence can only be obtained by the individual, which essentially would imply the notion that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You as an individual are responsible, not only for the beauty of self, but the beauty of the world.
Beauty is still everything I thought, but it goes beyond everything I know.
Irony is beautiful. Irony is a sign that you are in line with the universe. Here are my weekend quotes from Abraham:
"Start taking pleasure from your inner reality. Most people are approaching this backwards. Most people are saying, "Okay, I want that, and I am not fulfilled until I get that manifestation." The reason for that promise of manifestation out there, to begin with, is that it gives you the reason to play the game in the inner reality. It is your imagination, it is the feeling of Energy flowing through you that is life. "
"Offer a vibration that matches your desire rather than offering a vibration that keeps matching what-is. "
I guess in reflection, I misinterpreted beauty. I think beauty is the result of something truly fantastic and complex. It is not meant to define something, but rather a simplified expression of something too intricate to understand visually. Art is a prime example of that. However, it only leaves me with further questions. Looking outside my window at the snow covered mountains, I have to wonder beyond who and ask what provoked such beauty? I have come to find that experience gives us meaning and defines who we are. Life is beautiful through our every act and lesson. So is beauty an result of a meaningful life or is a meaningful life a result of beauty?
And yet I can't even ask those questions expecting a right or wrong answer because when it comes down to it, the meaning of life is the most ambiguous question a curious girl can ask!
LOVE LOVE,
CuriousChloe
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
"Being kind is more important than being nice"
I came across this quote while skimming through an issue of I-D. (A british high fashion magazine) The words themselves are simplistic, but the meaning of the quote was harder to comprehend.
This is what I concluded:
- Nice focuses on how the other person is thinking and feeling;their perception of the situation.
- Kind is personal action;what you decide to do and why.
- When you want to be nice, it’s because you want to please the other person; you want everyone to be happy.
- When you want to be kind it’s because you want to do what is right regardless of how other people feel about it.
My entire life, I have always been "nice". Ask anyone, people who barely know me, and that is the first word they would identitfy me with. I hate that word. While I'm sure people mean it as a compliment, I cringe at its reference toward me. People ask "How can you be so nice," as if its a great attribute. Before reading this quote, I never realized why I felt so ashamed of it. But it now makes sense.
I have been so obssessed with how the other person feels and acting for the "good" of others.
Even if someone did something bad, I would try to make them feel better by telling them that whatever they did was ok, and acceptable. My concern was on the individual, regardless of my values and morals. I hated being called "nice" because subconciously I knew I wasn't being nice...or atleast not to the full extent.
Being a good person requires an equal amount of niceness and kindness, so to speak. Combining the both, if nothing else, results in a genuinely good person.
xoxo,
Curiouschloe
ps- I found this great link, that better exemplifies the definition of the quote.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Stay grounded. Fly High.
Sometimes life becomes so habitual, so expected, that you begin to go through the motions rather than enjoy the actual experience.
Enjoyment. It seems hard for me to truly enjoy something once it becomes the norm. All the previous exciting emotions it once conjured, disappear; the suspense, and the thrill are lost.
Gratitude. I feel it is my personal misconception that once you are thankful for something, its ok to disregard it. As if once, you've recognized your appreciation, it becomes invaluable; things are taken for granted. Take marriage. So many people fall head over heels into a whirl pool of emotional chaos, they have can barely grasp for a breath of reality...and they get married. But once time goes by, and your significant other takes on ordinary conotations, they become unneeded. The spark is ruthlessly extinguished as the excitment and intial thrill die down. There seems that without emotional attachment, things become meaningless and once we no longer feel strongly about something, it no longer proves valuable.
Emotion. As things become routine, and enjoyment and gratitude disappear, emotion follows. We become robotic. While still center stage of our lives, our manuscript becomes tiresome as the dialogue proves monotonous. We loose emotional connection and begin to live life in a logical state. Although analysis gives us glasses to focus our perception, feelings give us shovels to dig below the surface and interact. Living life exclusively by logic results in nothing more than a passive existance. Some can say emotions put people in the clouds, and I can agree--without some amount of logistic comprehension, we are lost. HOWEVER, approaching life like a study course, may secure your feet to the ground, but blast your soul out of the universe
Its like learning to speak a new language-- Teaching it like a research topic and taking tests and completing worksheets can result in great understanding. However, the student who is immersed in the language and partakes in the culture will be able to speak it. He/she may use improper grammar or lack the knowledge of its origin, but the student will be proactive.
As with life. We can learn every lesson, study every artifact, understand every step to success. Yet without emotions, we cannot connect our life to our learned lessons. Knowledge derives from external resources...Our feelings come from us. Anyone can inhale the same information, but it is our emotions that expel different responses.
Be grateful for what you have, and content in the smallest factors that precede in our life. We cannot lose sight of the reality in which we live. It is only once we connect emotionally to the factors the world gives us, that we can we truly begin to live.
Stop asking questions like "What is the right thing to say?" and instead contemplate "What am I feeling as a result, what is my personal perspective?"
Question feeling, not just action.
Enjoyment. It seems hard for me to truly enjoy something once it becomes the norm. All the previous exciting emotions it once conjured, disappear; the suspense, and the thrill are lost.
Gratitude. I feel it is my personal misconception that once you are thankful for something, its ok to disregard it. As if once, you've recognized your appreciation, it becomes invaluable; things are taken for granted. Take marriage. So many people fall head over heels into a whirl pool of emotional chaos, they have can barely grasp for a breath of reality...and they get married. But once time goes by, and your significant other takes on ordinary conotations, they become unneeded. The spark is ruthlessly extinguished as the excitment and intial thrill die down. There seems that without emotional attachment, things become meaningless and once we no longer feel strongly about something, it no longer proves valuable.
Emotion. As things become routine, and enjoyment and gratitude disappear, emotion follows. We become robotic. While still center stage of our lives, our manuscript becomes tiresome as the dialogue proves monotonous. We loose emotional connection and begin to live life in a logical state. Although analysis gives us glasses to focus our perception, feelings give us shovels to dig below the surface and interact. Living life exclusively by logic results in nothing more than a passive existance. Some can say emotions put people in the clouds, and I can agree--without some amount of logistic comprehension, we are lost. HOWEVER, approaching life like a study course, may secure your feet to the ground, but blast your soul out of the universe
Its like learning to speak a new language-- Teaching it like a research topic and taking tests and completing worksheets can result in great understanding. However, the student who is immersed in the language and partakes in the culture will be able to speak it. He/she may use improper grammar or lack the knowledge of its origin, but the student will be proactive.
As with life. We can learn every lesson, study every artifact, understand every step to success. Yet without emotions, we cannot connect our life to our learned lessons. Knowledge derives from external resources...Our feelings come from us. Anyone can inhale the same information, but it is our emotions that expel different responses.
Be grateful for what you have, and content in the smallest factors that precede in our life. We cannot lose sight of the reality in which we live. It is only once we connect emotionally to the factors the world gives us, that we can we truly begin to live.
Stop asking questions like "What is the right thing to say?" and instead contemplate "What am I feeling as a result, what is my personal perspective?"
Question feeling, not just action.
Love Love,
Curious Chloe
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Please identify the following:
WHO ARE YOU?
The complexity of a person becomes apparent by observtion of different enviorments. Can you ever truly know someone? If a person is still searching for who they are, like most, can anyone really know the truth of a soul?
I, personally, know the core of my identity, yet I allow different parts of me to shine according to the setting I am in. I would not call myself fake, because I do not attempt a false facade. Every quality I release is genuine. However, in order to relate and partake in certain circumstances, I will highlight certain characteristics. While I won't discuss the philosophies of Spinoza at dance practice, I will not deny my interest in the topic. I wouldn't say I hide any aspect of my identity; I stay true to who I am. Yet for the sake of others, as well as my personal happiness, it seems logical to emmulate parts of you that correlate to others...or is it?
The acutality of a person is an intricate labyrinth, so much so, that revealing everything at the same intensity can be overwhelming.
I believe that a true friend is someone who knows every detail of the puzzle and pieced together the picture. However, even if you know one's identity, does that necessarily mean you know they're responses in different environments?
An environment has to do with surrounding circumstances, conditions, and influences. It was my belief that regardless of external forces, if you truly knew a person, you'd know how they'd repsond to certain stimuli. However today I have come to question that.
While you may know what they stand for and how their true character would respond, the anxieties of superficial aspects combat personal values. I have learned that while you may know a person in all their beliefs, values, and interests, you must also know their strength and confidence--It can be hard to be true to yourself when acceptance is questioned. In certain circumstances, it seems evident that insercurites can reformulate and disguish.
But here is my dilemma: say you know the "true" identity of a person, yet to an audience, they mask their genuine qualities. What if someone has opened up to you, allowing you to see them for who they are, yet forbidding others to see the truth? Who are they? Could the person you see just be another one of their false personalities. If so, then who are you really friends with?
After contemplating this, I come to question my own identification, leading me to wonder:
Am I an imposter if I emphasis different qualities in different environments, even if if don't contradict the quieter characteristics?
The question of identity is overwhelming, and my mind refuses to stop overanalyzing...i love it.
The complexity of a person becomes apparent by observtion of different enviorments. Can you ever truly know someone? If a person is still searching for who they are, like most, can anyone really know the truth of a soul?
I, personally, know the core of my identity, yet I allow different parts of me to shine according to the setting I am in. I would not call myself fake, because I do not attempt a false facade. Every quality I release is genuine. However, in order to relate and partake in certain circumstances, I will highlight certain characteristics. While I won't discuss the philosophies of Spinoza at dance practice, I will not deny my interest in the topic. I wouldn't say I hide any aspect of my identity; I stay true to who I am. Yet for the sake of others, as well as my personal happiness, it seems logical to emmulate parts of you that correlate to others...or is it?
The acutality of a person is an intricate labyrinth, so much so, that revealing everything at the same intensity can be overwhelming.
I believe that a true friend is someone who knows every detail of the puzzle and pieced together the picture. However, even if you know one's identity, does that necessarily mean you know they're responses in different environments?
An environment has to do with surrounding circumstances, conditions, and influences. It was my belief that regardless of external forces, if you truly knew a person, you'd know how they'd repsond to certain stimuli. However today I have come to question that.
While you may know what they stand for and how their true character would respond, the anxieties of superficial aspects combat personal values. I have learned that while you may know a person in all their beliefs, values, and interests, you must also know their strength and confidence--It can be hard to be true to yourself when acceptance is questioned. In certain circumstances, it seems evident that insercurites can reformulate and disguish.
But here is my dilemma: say you know the "true" identity of a person, yet to an audience, they mask their genuine qualities. What if someone has opened up to you, allowing you to see them for who they are, yet forbidding others to see the truth? Who are they? Could the person you see just be another one of their false personalities. If so, then who are you really friends with?
After contemplating this, I come to question my own identification, leading me to wonder:
Am I an imposter if I emphasis different qualities in different environments, even if if don't contradict the quieter characteristics?
The question of identity is overwhelming, and my mind refuses to stop overanalyzing...i love it.
Love love,
CuriousChloe
Monday, February 12, 2007
Harmonious Rarity
The beat of a song
Its musical Rhythm
Can make the heart light
No though of decision
The music uplifts
And carries the mind
Into a distant reality
Where no one can find
It can brighten the soul
With each aging hour
Strengths the heart
Beating with power
Music depicts
The hidden emotion
It composes the feelings
immersed in commotion
Music is my knight
In white shining armor
It helps me to think
"No body can harm her"
With gained confidence
From the musical flow
I cannot be let down
I cannot fall below
-Music can be so overpowering, envoking thought and revealing suppressed emotions.
Music is my safety from drama and confusion.
If I overthink or become overwhelmed, rhythmic tranquility allows me to relax and take control.
Currently my favorite break from reality: Sigur Ros- Staralfur
love love,
Curious Chloe
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Do You Believe in Magic?
Adolesence is murdered when kids discover the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and so on. It is quite a tramatizing blow to realize that your immortal, perfect parents have lied to you. At least it was for me.
I was an emotional wreck; a desolate soul at the age of 9. The worst part: all my friends still believed, so I carried the burden day after day, refusing to detinate the lives of my peers. That day I made a pack to NEVER tell my children the truth. Also on that day an angered poetic verse was written in response to my agony. Please do not judge me, I was one of the cool 3rd graders! Anyway, I found this yesterday and couldn't stop laughing... Priceless. Oh god...enjoy.
THE MAGICAL THINGS
by 9 year old Chloe. (original edition. please excuse spelling)
Santa, the Easter Bunney and rhe tooth fairy are cool! I believe in them," said Jen O'Tool.
"So Do I," yelled Mick Smie.
But one August night, their parents told them and the children had fright.
"But what about Christmas Eve when we gave santa a pie. Did you just eat it and tell us a lie?"
"But what about when I wanted a baby doll. When my tooth came out I wanted one, so I put it under my pillow. When I woke up I found baby Dillo. Was that a lie too?"
"But what about on Easter when we found eggs filled with Candy. Did you just hide them and lie to me and Mandy?"
Their parents nodded yes. They glanced and yelled "We thought you were the best!"
They stomped up stair with big wet tears.
They looked at their inisent face in the mirrors.
They finally forgave their parents after 2 years.
BUT they never forgot how they looked in their mirrors
-please told you applause...What? OK, what the hell- clap it up! :)
love love,
Curious Chloe
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